Bargaining with children

Goal or Problem

If you are a parent and your child is 3 years old or older, you’ve been through some bargaining with your child where you tried to persuade him/her to do one thing while he/she insisted on doing something different. Here are several examples:

1. It is ½ hour before bed time. You would like the child to brush the teeth already before watching a DVD with a fairytale. The child insists on watching the fairytale first and brush the teeth later.
2. The rest of the family eats something healthy for the dinner. You want the child to eat the same meal while the child insists on eating something sweet.

This kind of bargaining can become rather frequent if the child realizes that it is a way to achieve hi/her “goals”.

Idea

It is important to understand the attitudes of both sides. Children know that if they don’t ask for a candy, sweet, favor etc., above their allowance they won’t get it. They also know that there is usually nothing to loose if they ask once, twice or hundred times. Even if they don’t get what they want every time, they always get attention of their parents. Children like lot of attention, sometimes even if it is negative.

Parents weigh two aspects. On one hand, there is healthy nutrition, safety, enough rest and/or prosperous future of their children. On the other hand, there is unpleasant feeling of being too tough on their little angels. This imbalance in motivations results in parents giving in more or less frequently. Furthermore, it reinforces conviction of children that bargaining works.

You can try the following to finish quickly bargaining with your child about your and his/her options. Tell your child: “We will do it like this: (fill in your option). It is my last word. I am not going to discuss this anymore.” Say it in a calm and firm voice so that it is clear that you mean this seriously.

If the child keeps trying to bargain, either stay quiet or repeat that you don’t intend to negotiate further. Give him/her as little attention as possible. The key to success is to give as little attention as possible while the child is "making the decision". Once the child realizes that there is no point in bargaining and he/she is not getting attention anymore he/she is more likely to accept your option.

This is how this method can be applied to the bargaining examples above.

1. Get control over the remote control or any other enabling device for watching the fairytale. Then tell the child that you insist that he/she brushes the teeth first and that is your final word. Praise/stroke him/her after brushing the teeth. Then it is OK to watch the fairytale until the bed time.
2. Tell the child that either he/she eats the same thing as the rest of the family or goes to sleep hungry. Offer a (healthy) desert after eating his/her healthy dinner.

Some sources suggest that bargaining with children should not essentially happen. The children should be aware of the boundaries and parents should enforce them. The above method is not in contradiction with this. If the child tries to cross the previously set boundaries, you can use the same approach immediately when he/she attempts to bargain.

However, bargaining will take place from time to time. For example, rules at home may not totally apply on vacations. Furthermore, as the child grows and he/she gains more privileges (using a computer, bringing friends home, etc.), new bargaining situations/opportunities emerge.

Limitations and Side Effects

This method works well for children between 5 and 12.

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